LATEST NEWS: Norwegian man mistakenly takes Vanessa Feltz as aggressive male seal and clubs her to death…
Tim Peake: Spaceman or Conman?
Science & Technology | London
NASA experts investigating rumours surrounding Tim Peake’s trip to the ISS are not convinced that his space suit (seen here) would sustain the rigours of a voyage to space.
The position of Astronaut Tim Peak as the first “official” British citizen in space has today been thrown into some considerable doubt, following a damning revelation that he is in fact living in a small shed just outside Croydon. The validity of the story is as of yet unverified but a source close to the ‘astronaut’ has told the BBN that “I doubt he’s in space, he doesn’t even like lifts and I once saw him freeze on a step-ladder”.
Suspicions surrounding Mr. Peake had been previously aroused in December, when he was spotted in a ‘OneStop’ newsagent buying a copy of the Sun on Sunday and a packet of silk cut cigarettes. Speaking from the ISS to NASA officials via satellite, Mr Peake said “yes, I did pop back to earth quickly, but I had to because I hadn’t realised that space didn’t have duty free”.
Jeremy Ironflange a close neighbour of Mr Peake in South London has now also come forward reporting strange occurrences at the end of their shared garden, saying “I was surprised when I woke up last weekend to see his (Tim Peake’s) garden shed covered in tin foil and vibrating violently, when I looked through the shed window I could clearly see a man suspended upside down trying to brush his teeth.” Mr Ironflange went on to say, “I am also sure I saw the same man later that night, walking all over my marigolds with a goldfish bowl on his head, whilst wearing a white jump suit and tissue boxes on his feet”.
This would not be the first time Mr Peake has attempted to pull the wool over the eyes of the world; in 1997 he was involved in a well-publicised attempt to dig his way to the centre of the earth. The trip apparently took 14 days to complete, with Mr Peak returning with a large selection of valuable scientific samples. Following the apparent triumphant expedition the Royal Society heralded the exploits of Mr Peake as, “the greatest step forward for mankind since the 20th of July 1969”. The celebrations however were short lived; with the revelations of an elaborate swindle being uncovered in the ensuing weeks. It was eventually discovered after careful examination, that Tim “the Core” Peake had not dug his way anywhere and in fact had spent two weeks frequenting tanning salons, Swedish saunas and rolling around in muddy fields. The scientific scrutiny of the investigation also discovered that the ‘never seen before’ samples, collected from his journey to the centre of the earth, were nothing more than a mixture of talcum powder, rust and crushed walkers crisps”.
Speaking on behalf of the British Space Agency (BSA), Professor Julian Spool issued a statement saying “We are aware of unconfirmed rumours that Tim is not currently residing in space, or even outside the M25, but as of yet we cannot confirm or deny this fact”. He went on to say “if the reports do turn out to be true we will have to begin to investigate all the other accolades that have been attributed to Mr. Peake as well”. Tim Peake is currently recognized as having completed a number of other death defying and awe inspiring feats which will now fall under an intense amount of suspicion, some of which include; Watching an entire episode of Big brother’s little brother, Free diving the Mariana trench, Eating 77 Granny Smith’s apples in 15 minutes and riding a small goat named Steven the entire length of the M4.”
The investigation will continue over the coming months as experts close in on the truth behind Mr. Peake’s real exploits, with the potential to unveil him as perhaps the greatest conman of the modern era.
For more stories like this one, first eat a whole packet of AA batteries and then sit in front of a word processor. Or you could take the short cut and simply click here it’s really up to you.